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Report: College Students to Stay in Touch Over Summer Break

It’s about that time.

Finals are looming. Semester projects are being started and finished in one night. The weather is * finally * warming up. All signs point toward one thing: summer vacation.

In most senses, this is joyous news for the average JBU student. No more going to class, procrastinating homework, stressing about finals, or cringing at PDA on the quad. Many students already have exciting and meaningful summer plans, such as working at summer camp, doing missions, or playing Fortnite for 18 hours per day.

That being said, the half-full glass of summertime lemonade is also in another sense half-empty, and there are certainly some sad elements to the closing of the semester. Perhaps the most obvious of these is the inevitable change in relationships that come with summer break. According to the JBU Center for Healthy Relationships (CHR), students have developed all sorts of relationships with one another this year, from platonic friendship to romantic pursuit (the line can be somewhat blurred there) to bitter rivalry. Tragically, the onset of the three-month hiatus from JBU some call “summer” threatens to cause many of these relationships to fade into utter oblivion.

Fortunately, ingenious and forward-thinking students have developed a solution: “staying in touch.” Though a necessary response to the threat of fading relationships, it remains a somewhat nebulous one, varying greatly in meaning from person to person. Much as we did with our recent investigation into that one couple’s romantic(?) endeavors, we at The Defendant would seek to provide our faithful readership with some clarity on this quite nuanced issue. Therefore, our investigative team has done some digging in order to supply a few concrete examples of how the “staying in touch” strategy is being employed. To accomplish this, we hacked into JBU’s high-tech security camera systems, searching the audio files for any time the phrase “stay in touch” has been uttered on campus in the last week and proceeded to search out the context behind each utterance. Here are a few of the more noteworthy examples:

A sophomore Walker Resident cheerfully exhorted one of his suitemates, “Let’s stay in touch this summer… dude!” on his way out the door, despite being wholly unable to remember “dude’s” name after a total of four interactions between them throughout the duration of the year.

A JBU professor (who wished to remain unnamed), told students to “stay in touch” as they turned in their finals. Throughout the process, the professor continued to craft an “out of the office for the summer” automatic reply email that would greet any student who attempted to take her advice.

One couple frequently seen publicly displaying their affection for one another on the quad informed us that they too were “staying in touch.” “Clearly,” we replied.

On a similar note, “that one couple” is still “not dating” but does plan to “stay in touch” over the summer as well. What will this look like? Your guess is as good as ours. But don’t worry, we’ll catch up with them again in the fall.

Following an unsuccessful DTR on the Mayfield bench, a freshman J. Alvin resident attempted to plead a compromise with his Mayfield counterpart. As she opened the door to the residence hall and shut the door on his romantic aspirations, he yelled across the Mayfield yard, “Can we at least stay in touch over the summer?” “Uh… sure…” she replied without ever turning around.

Following his last supper of the year in the Kresge Dining Hall, one student was stopped dead in his tracks by Miss Deborah, who cheerfully greeted him with, “Bye! Have a great summer!” Frozen in fear from bad recollections of past foiled caf food heists, he stammered the only phrase that came to his mind, beaten into his memory from constant repetition: “St.. sta… stay in touch…”

Will the “stay in touch” strategy work to combat the summer-relationship-fade phenomenon? Will these people really maintain connection over the summer? Will they actually remember each other next fall? Only time will tell. Tune in next season to find out. And by next season, we mean next school year. Because we too are heading out for the summer. Unfortunately, you will have to wait till August for your eyes to be graced with another analysis (satirical or otherwise) of the JBU culture from your caring Defendant staff.

Which reminds us, JBU community, thank you so much for a great first year. Your readership, support, and feedback has been invaluable. Big things are on the horizon, and we already can’t wait for next year (Well, summer will actually be really nice, but you get the point).

From us to you, have an incredible summer.

And please…

by all means…

do stay in touch.

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